So said Carlos Ruiz Zafon – it is the lead quotation at the beginning of
Book I. In an interview recently published in Poetry Wales, the poet Tim Relf
says: “I don’t believe any of us are reliable narrators of events, even to
ourselves. My latest collection Same Difference returns to that idea in various
forms: how our life is what the novelist Julian Barnes refers to as ‘the story
we have told ourselves’.”
I have tried, in The Dark Trilogy, to blend the
story that I have told myself about myself, about my life, with an older history
that might have been mine. Once. I have dived into the depths of one of my
poems and surfaced with far more than I had dreamt was in the lines.
‘Retrospective’ – the poem in Mostly Welsh (Y Lolfa, 2019) that became ‘Dark
Ashes’ – was avowedly autobiographical of a part of my life but I never wrote a
second, older, life into those lines. Or so I thought! In taking on the role of
my own editor and critic in Books I and III of The Trilogy, I allowed the
possibility of there being more behind the 326 lines of the poem than I had
been conscious of. A second story. A second – older – life. So there are two
biographies in Book I. And at least one of them – the one to which Book II adds
– is true.
But memory is a curious thing! As some past
event is recounted for the first time a small fact – the colour of a dress or
the positioning of a piece of furniture in a grandparent’s house – might be
added, perhaps hesitantly, doubtingly, in error… but in the very act of
speaking about the event that erroneous image is cemented into the memory –
fixed to the extent that on subsequent retellings the blue dress is there, in
the picture, as your mother stood in front of her parent’s sideboard. And now
there is no question in your mind that you are describing things as they really
were! An autobiography is the curated sum of our imagined memories.
In The Lady in the Van, Alan Bennett wrote “You
don’t put yourself into what you write; you find yourself there.”
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